Grief is just love with nowhere to go
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go – Jamie Anderson
On the 23 March, the UK celebrates a National Day of Reflection to remember those who have died and support those who are grieving – a day to connect as humans.
In November 2022 I lost my little brother to suicide – an amazing man who was so troubled. Although I’d been expecting it to happen his entire life, nothing can prepare you for how grief will impact you and continue to impact you each and every day. The brain fog, numbness, tiredness and an underlying feeling that something isn’t quite right along with the full body physical reaction when you see their name, hear a song, see a picture, or for me, that wave often comes when I see The Simpsons. Adam could quote every single word of every episode and as a family, we quote almost on a daily basis; it now makes me smile and sad all at the same time. And I want to feel all of these things – I won’t stop quoting, I won’t stop watching. I want to talk about him, I want to remember the stupid things he said and did. I talk to him every day and I want people around me to talk about him too.
A friend of mine was so worried about what she should/could say to me in fear of getting it ‘wrong’ and because she deals with grief in her way – she needed me to explicitly let her know that it was ok to ask, that I was ok. We all have our own way of dealing with situations and it’s ok to ask what support someone needs and avoid action paralysis.
We may have different thoughts, different needs and wants, we disagree, but something that we all have in common as human beings is experiencing grief and all that it brings. Even though we will all cross paths with grief, as a nation, we are not particularly good at talking about it.
From my own recent experiences with grief, I am getting better at voicing when I’m struggling and have been incredibly supported by everyone around me.
Check in with those you know are grieving - grief isn’t linear, and more importantly, it will never actually end – we are just trying to learn to carry what can’t be fixed.
At midday on 23 March let’s all join in our collective grief with a minute of silence.
‘We grow through hard times. Growth is change. And when everything is easy, we have no reason to change. The most painful moments in life expand us. And when the pain leaves, space remains. Space we can fill with life itself. Matt Haig, The Comfort Book